College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
