Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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