I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
