Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
one might say we're banned from that church
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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