My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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