The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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