On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
