My sheets look like a crime scene.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
