dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
