I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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