apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
