I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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