Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
