maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
