just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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