Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
