babies were throwing up all over the place
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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