Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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