I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
