I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize
