You're so nebulous sometimes
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
