totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
