I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
