Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
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I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
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Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize