I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
