I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
