Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize