the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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