Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
