3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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