I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
