Your face is a jimmy john
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
