Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
