i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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