Ambien. No doubt about it.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
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You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
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I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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