new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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