I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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