I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
