if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
