I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
