All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
