Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
