I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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