if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Randomize
