You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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