I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
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