I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
