Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
