Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
