Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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