He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
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Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize