Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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