Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
