Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
