Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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