I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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