pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
