the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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